Hurry Off

“Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened.”

—Winston Churchill

 

A Saint?

Two brothers were well known all about town for being as crooked in their business dealings as they could possibly be. That notwithstanding, they continued to progress from wealth to greater wealth until suddenly one of the brothers died. The surviving brother found himself in search of a minister who would be willing to put the finishing touches to the funeral.

He finally made an offer to a minister that was hard for him to refuse. “I will pay you a great sum,” he said, “if you will just do me one favor. In eulogizing my brother, I want you to call him a “saint,” and if you do, I will give you a handsome reward.” The minister, a shrewd pragmatist, agreed to comply. Why not? The money could help put a new roof on the church.

When the funeral began, the sanctuary was filled by all the important business associates who had been swindled through the years by these two brothers. Unaware of the deal that had been made for the eulogy, they were expecting to be vindicated by the public exposure of the man’s character.

At last the much-awaited moment arrived, and the minister spoke. “The man you see in the coffin was a vile and debauched individual. He was a liar, a theif, a deceiver, a manipulator, a reprobate, and a hedonist. He destroyed the fortunes, careers, and lives of countless people in this city, some of whom are here today. This man did every dirty, rotten, unconscionable thing you can think of. But compared to his brother here, he was a saint.”

Can Man Live Without God, by Ravi Zacharias, Copyright 1994, Word: Dallas, p.135-6

Creed

We believe in Marxfreudanddarwin.

We believe everything is OK as long as you don’t hurt anyone,

to the best of your definition of hurt, and to the best of your knowledge.

We believe in sex before, during and after marriage.

We believe in the therapy of sin.

We believe that adultery is fun.

We believe that sodomy is OK.

We believe that taboos are taboo.

We believe that everything’s getting better despite evidence to the contrary.

The evidence must be investigated

And you can prove anything with evidence.

We believe there’s something in horoscopes, UFO’s and bent spoons;

Jesus was a good man just like Buddha, Mohammad and ourselves.

He was a good moral teacher although we think His good morals were bad.

We believe that all religions are basically the same—at least the one that we read was.

They all believe in love and goodness.

They only differ on matters of creation, sin, heaven, hell, God, and salvation.

We believe that after death comes the Nothing

Because when you ask the dead what happens they say nothing.

If death is not the end, if the dead have lied, then it’s compulsory heaven for all excepting perhaps Hitler, Stalin, and Genghis Khan.

We believe in Masters and Johnson.

What’s selected is average.

What’s average is normal.

What’s normal is good.

We believe in total disarmament.

We believe there are direct links between warfare and bloodshed.

Americans should beat their guns into tractors and the Russians would be sure to follow.

We believe that man is essentially good.

It’s only his behavior that lets him down.

This is the fault of society.

Society is the fault of conditions.

Conditions are the fault of society.

We believe that each man must find the truth that is right for him.

Reality will adapt accordingly.

The universe will readjust.

History will alter.

We believe that there is no absolute truth excepting the truth that there is no absolute truth.

We believe in the rejection of creeds, and the flowering of individual thought.

He then adds this postscript called “Chance”:

If chance be the Father of all flesh, disaster is his rainbow in the sky,

and when you hear

State of Emergency!

Sniper Kills Ten!

Troops on Rampage!

Whites go Looting!

Bomb Blasts School!

It is but the sound of man worshipping his maker.

(Creed by Steve Turner, From the book, “Up To Date” (London: Hodder & Stoughton); quoted in “Can Man Live Without God” by Ravi Zacharias (Dallas: Word), p.42-4.)

I am a walrus?

“John Lennon once said, ‘Give peace a chance.’ He also said, ‘Gu gu ku chu, I am a walrus.’”

(Steve Camp, quoted during a concert in approximately 1988; the point was: Be careful who you listen to.)

Just a Clown

The philosopher Soren Kierkegaard once told a story about a circus that caught fire. The flames from the circus fire spread to the fields surrounding the circus grounds and began to burn toward the village below. The circus master, convinced that the village would be destroyed and the people killed unless they were warned, asked if there was anybody who could go to the village and warn the people.

The clown, dressed in full costume, jumped on a bicycle and sped down the hill to the village below. “Run for your lives! Run for your lives! A fire is coming and the village is going to burn!” he shouted as he rode up and down the streets of the village. “The village is going to burn, run for your lives!”

Curious villagers came out from their homes and shops and stood along the sidewalks. They shouted back to the clown, laughing and applauding his performance. The more desperately the clown shouted, the more the villagers cheered.

The village burned and the loss of life was great because no one took the clown seriously. After all, he was just a clown.

(Soren Kierkegaard; told by Wayne Rice, Hot Illustrations for Youth Talks, p. 68)

Pepe Rodriguez

Pepe Rodriguez, one of the most notorious bank robbers in the early settling of the West, lived just across the border in Mexico. He regularly crept into Texas towns to rob banks, returning to Mexico before the Texas Rangers could catch him. The frustrated lawmen were so embarrassed by this that they illegally crossed the border into Mexico.

Eventually, they cornered Pepe in a Mexican bar that he frequented. Unfortunately, Pepe couldn’t speak any English, so the lawmen asked the bartender to translate for them. The bartender explained to Pepe who these men were, and Pepe began to shake with fear.

The Texas Rangers, with their guns drawn, told the bartender to ask Pepe where he had hidden all the money he had stolen from the Texas banks. ‘‘Tell him that if he doesn’t tell us where the money is right now, we’re going to shoot him dead on the spot.’’ The bartender translated all this for Pepe.

Immediately, Pepe explained in Spanish that the money was hidden in the town well. They could find the money by counting down 17 stones from the handle, and behind the 17th stone was all the loot he had stolen.

The bartender then turned to the Rangers and said in English, ‘‘Pepe is a very brave man. He says that you are a bunch of stinking pigs, and he is not afraid to die!’’

(Wayne Rice, Hot Illustrations for Youth Talks, p. 163-4)

Alter Your Course

In the darkest part of the night, a ship’s captain cautiously piloted his warship through the fog-shrouded waters. With straining eyes, he scanned the hazy darkness, searching for dangers lurking just out of sight. His worst fears were realized when he saw a bright light straight ahead. It appeared to be a vessel on a collision course with his ship. To avert disaster he quickly radioed the oncoming vessel.

“This is Captain Jeremiah Smith,” his voice crackled over the radio. “Please alter your course ten degrees south! Over.”

To the captain’s amazement, the foggy image did not move. Instead, he heard back on the radio, “Captain Smith. This is Private Thomas Johnson. Please alter your course ten degrees north! Over.”

Appalled at the audacity of this message from a private, the captain shouted back over the radio, “Private Johnson, this is Captain Smith, and I order you to immediately alter your course ten degrees south! Over.”

A second time the oncoming light did not budge. “With all due respect, Captain Smith,” came the private’s voice again, “I order you to alter your course immediately ten degrees north! Over.”

Angered and frustrated that this impudent sailor would endanger the lives of his men and crew, the captained growled back over the radio, “Private Johnson. I can have you court-martialed for this! For the last timie, I command you on the authority of the United States government to alter your course ten degress to the south! I am a battleship.”

The private’s final transmission was chilling: “Captain Smith, sir. Once again with all due respect, I command you to alter your course ten degrees to the north! I am a lighthouse!”

(Wayne Rice, Hot Illustrations for Youth Talks, p. 126)

Don’t take it personally

He was a seasoned veteran of the Christian ministry, my first boss in the church, a respected mentor, and a dear friend. I had asked him what he had to say to younger pastors like me as he approached his retirement. It was one of those what-would-you-do-if-you-had-it-to-do-over-again questions. His answer came quickly: “Don’t take it personally.”

“Don’t take what personally?” was my next question. He told me not to take it personally when things get tough in the church, when I am attacked or tired or depressed. Things like that go with the territory. We’re in a spiritual battle. When a soldier is shot at, he isn’t shocked. His feelings aren’t hurt. He doesn’t peer over his foxhole at his adversary and shout, “Was it something I said?” He expects it, he plans on it.

That’s spiritual realism. That’s what impelled Paul to write the Ephesians that “our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms” (Eph. 6:12). Note that the apostle assumes his readers already know that the work of the kingdom is a struggle. He doesn’t need to argue the point. The question is not whether we’re in a battle, but what kind. The battle is spiritual. So we don’t take it personally, we don’t get hurt feelings when things get hard. We are spiritual realists.

(Ben Patterson and David L. Goetz, vol. 7, Deepening Your Conversation With God, The pastor’s soul series; Library of leadership development (Minneapolis, Minn.: Bethany House Publishers, 1999), 19.)

Heart’s Desire

George Bernard Shaw wrote that there are two tragedies in life: one is not to get your heart’s desire. The other is to get it.

(Ben Patterson and David L. Goetz, vol. 7, Deepening Your Conversation With God, The pastor’s soul series; Library of leadership development (Minneapolis, Minn.: Bethany House Publishers, 1999), 13.)

Wisdom…As Kids See It

A first grade teacher collected old, well known proverbs. She gave each kid in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest. Here’s the results:

• As You Shall Make Your Bed So Shall You . . . Mess It Up.
• Better Be Safe Than . . . Punch A 5th Grader.
• Strike While The . . . Bug Is Close.
• It’s Always Darkest Before . . . Daylight Savings Time.
• Never Underestimate The Power Of . . . Termites.
• You Can Lead A Horse To Water But . . . How?
• Don’t Bite The Hand That . . . Looks Dirty.
• No News Is . . . Impossible.
• A Miss Is As Good As A . . . Mr.
• If You Lie Down With The Dogs, You’ll . . . Stink In The Morning.
• Love All, Trust . . . Me
• The Pen Is Mightier Than The . . . Pigs.
• An Idle Mind Is . . . The Best Way To Relax.
• Where There’s Smoke, There’s . . . Pollution.
• Happy Is The Bride Who . . . Gets All The Presents!
• A Penny Saved Is . . . Not Much.
• Two’s Company, Three’s . . . The Musketeers.
• Don’t Put Off Tomorrow What . . . You Put On To Go To Bed.
• Laugh And The Whole World Laughs With You, Cry And . . . You Have To Blow Your Nose.
• Children Should Be Seen And Not . . . Spanked Or Grounded.
• If At First You Don’t Succeed . . . Get New Batteries.
• You Get Out Of Something What You . . . See Pictured On The Box.

(KLTY Website)

Real Bumper Stickers

1. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

2. The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

3. I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

4. I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.

5. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

6. If you ain’t makin’ waves, you ain’t kickin’ hard enough!

7. Support Bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

8. When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

9. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

10. Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

11. If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

12. Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

13. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

14. I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

15. Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

16. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

(KLTY Website)